How to Write a Classic

Admit it, everyone wants their story to strike it rich. Well, today you’re in luck! I have discovered the secret formula to writing a classic. That’s right, the ingredients needed in any novel to get you on the bestseller list, onto college and high school syllabi and most importantly, into the hearts of millions of adoring readers. If you have yet to write, then you can shape your future tale around these requirements and hitting the goldmine will practically be foolproof. If you are already through your draft- redo it! However, if you have completed your story, review this list and check off as many as you can. For your sake, I hope it’s all ten.

Here it is. To ensure your story is a soon-to-be classic, staunchly follow these ten essential rules:

1. Flawed MC. It’s not enough to simply give your main character flaws. Be sure they are the most annoying, angsty, and foolish individual your story can hold.

2. Romance. You could put in a dash of romance, but it’s best to make it utterly complicated and convoluted that ultimately, no one understands the pairing.

3. Sympathy Card. Don’t just kill the MC’s dog, off ether one, or both parents. Later in the story, have people mention this at least fifty-three times.

4. Swiss Cheese Plot. Forget tying up loose ends. Leave giant gaping holes that the reader can use their imagination to fill.

5. Debbie-Downers. Do you have the worst possible event you can imagine in your head right now? Great! Double it and that’s the base for your plot.

6. Symbolism. Use symbolism in an overt manner that ensures your reader will never forget that symbol. Ever.

7. Age Limits. Characters over 25 are not allowed. And if they exist, bring them in on rare occasions. Oh, and then make them evil.

8. No Diversity. Don’t bother having ethnic, religious or sexual diversity in your story, books are not equal opportunity narratives.

9. Cliches. Employ as many as possible. Need a list to pick from? Check out this one I wrote. Hell, use them all.

10. The “Dues Ex Machina” Finale. Leave your creativity at the door. When you write the ending, just come up with something cool and throw it in there. Who cares if it doesn’t add up?

Voila! Instant classic! Go off and publish your book and reap the rewards! With a solid story like this, it’s shocking it’s never been done before!

April Fools! Or maybe not 😉