Query
Let’s get this party started! Here’s my query roundtable entry for everyone to tear apart…I mean, critique x)
Revised 5/23 For Roundtable Edits:
Overnight, Jake changed from wallflower to warrior. Or so he would like everyone to believe.
If Jake isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. Yet, when he comes face-to-face with human-like animals who believe he is foretold to save their world, none of his thirteen years of imaginary prowess could prepare him for the task ahead.
What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and females—are now part of his everyday routine. A lifestyle on the sword-tip of danger. Now Jake lacks the freedom to remain invisible as he is destined to mend an impossible divide. To navigate the havoc, Jake is awarded a spirit guide: the dragon. What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save him from catastrophe.
Jake better act quick. Humans are nearly extinct. And the rodents are next. If the wolf King executes his vision, the canine race will reign supreme. The survival of the persecuted rests on his shoulders. There’s just one problem. The prophecy was not about Jake. And he’s the only one who knows it. HAVOC’S KNOT is a 94,000 word YA fantasy novel with series potential.
5/22 Query
Overnight, Jake changed from wallflower to warrior. Or so he would like everyone to believe.
Jake is a master introvert. That’s no secret. If he isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. However, none of his thirteen years of imagination prowess could prepare him for when hecomes face-to-face with human-like-animals. His days of shyness won’t help now that he’s expected to save the world.
What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and girls—are now part of his everyday routine. With little help or knowledge, he must mend an impossible divide. Felines refuse to get involved, despite their extraordinary abilities. Humans are nearly extinct. And the rodents are next. If the wolf King executes his vision, the canine race will reign supreme.
To navigate the havoc, Jake is awarded a spirit guide: the dragon. But the fairytale isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The creature provides nothing more than cryptic advice, proving as useful as a broken compass. What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save Jake from catastrophe.
The survival of the persecuted rests on his shoulders. Yet, there is one secret no one could expect. The prophecy was not about Jake. And he’s the only one who knows it. HAVOC’S KNOT is a 94,000 word YA fantasy novel.
Pitch Wars Mentee 2014
Awards
22 Comments
[…] posted under my roundtable group for further critique. If you’d like to offer me feedback, go here. Recommend on Facebook Share with Stumblers Tumblr it Tweet about it Subscribe to the comments on […]
[…] Rachel Horwitz […]
Love the opening hook!
2nd para: Jake is a master introvert. That’s no secret. If he isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. (I would delete That’s no secret and If he isn’t glued… since you aren’t really offering new information) However, none of his thirteen years of imagination prowess could prepare him for when hecomes (he comes) face-to-face with human-like-animals. (this should be human-like animals) His days of shyness won’t help now that he’s expected to save the world. (Love this but why is he expected to save the world?)
What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and girls (I almost want you to change girls to females so it’s three f’s)—are now part of his everyday routine. With little help or knowledge, (I’m not sure the first part of this sentence is necessary) he must mend an impossible divide. Felines refuse to get involved, despite their extraordinary abilities. (maybe mention an ability or two?) Humans are nearly extinct. And the rodents are next. If the wolf King (king) executes his vision, the canine race will reign supreme.
To navigate the havoc, Jake is awarded a spirit guide: the dragon. (who awards him the spirit guide?) But the fairytale isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The creature provides nothing more than cryptic advice, proving as useful as a broken compass. What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save Jake from catastrophe. (Actually, I think I would delete this paragraph and go right into The survival…)
Love the closing lines!
I hope some of this helps!
I definitely does. The small additions I added to my old query seem to be bothering me and others lol So I’m glad to hear that we agree on removing them (the “no secret” part in the beginning and end). Also, I love the 3 F suggestion!
Hey there! Thanks again for having this. Here’s my critique.
Overnight, Jake changed from wallflower to warrior. Or so he would like everyone to believe.(It’s good, but I feel like something could make it punchier.)
Jake is a master introvert. That’s no secret. If he isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. However, none of his thirteen years of imagination prowess could prepare him for when he comes face-to-face with human-like-animals.(Can you be more specific if possible?) His days of shyness won’t help now that he’s expected to save the world.(What do these animals have to do with saving the world?)
What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and girls—are now part of his everyday routine. With little help or knowledge, he must mend an impossible divide. Felines refuse to get involved(now there’s cats?), despite their extraordinary abilities. Humans are nearly extinct.(Wait, what? Since when?) And the rodents are next. If the wolf King executes his vision, the canine race will reign supreme. (This paragraph really confused me. One minute you’re emphasizing his wallflower tendencies, then the humans are almost extinct.)
To navigate the havoc, Jake is awarded a spirit guide: the dragon.(Why would this help him? What does it do?) But the fairytale isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The creature provides nothing more than cryptic advice, proving as useful as a broken compass.(Why do we need to know about the spirit guide in the query?) What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save Jake from catastrophe. (This seems out of place from the rest of the paragraph because it’s so vague I have no idea what it’s referring to.)
The survival of the persecuted rests on his shoulders.(Is the persecuted the rats? The humans?) Yet, there is one secret no one could expect. The prophecy was not about Jake. (Prophecy? Was this mentioned before? Where did this come from?) And he’s the only one who knows it
I changed the word “expected” in the first para to “foretold” to bring in the prophecy concept sooner. I thought it was implied, but I think being straightforward is best. It’s so hard cuz there’s not a lot of space for details! Thanks for your input!
I love this… so much.
So, “imagination prowess” reads a little awkwardly… maybe try “imaginative prowess”? I honestly think you could go without that whole paragraph though.
Things really start getting good on the next one. The line “What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and girls (I agree females would be funnier)—are now (suddenly become) part of his everyday routine.” I think that, combined with the very first line (wallflower to warrior) would give us enough of an idea of what an introvert he is.
Great job! I love it <3
Thanks, Darci! That phrase “imagination prowess” is new to my query and I’m very torn about it. It might be unnecessary but if I remove it I need a different descriptor that shows his life before this story is mainly absorbed in his own imagination.
You leave the conflict pretty vauge. He is expected to save the world, but why? What is the “divide” he has to mend, and why him?
Some interesting things in here I think I’m just not seeing the connections.
And “Friends, fighting and girls” were the last thing on a 13 year old boys mind? I don’t buy that, at least out of context. It might make a little more sense in the manuscript but here is reads odd (to me at least)
I think it’s an interesting concept just needs a little more clarity.
Seems I need to make the stakes clearer, so I’ll work on it- thanks!
Overnight, Jake changed from wallflower to warrior. Or so he would like everyone to believe.
Jake is a master introvert. If he isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. However, none of his thirteen years of imaginative prowess could prepare him for when he comes face-to-face with human-like-animals.(Can you be more specific? What are they like? Do they have a name? what is the instigating event?) His days of shyness won’t help now that he’s expected to save the world. (I’d put the bit about the prophecy before this line because it kind of comes out of nowhere)
What once was furthest (Were they really furthers from his mind, or just something he didn’t have?) from his mind—friends, fighting and girls—are now part of his everyday routine. With little help or knowledge, he must mend an impossible divide(I have no idea what this sentence means. What, specifically, does he have to do? Maybe describe the conflict before talking about who won’t help?). Felines refuse to get involved, despite their extraordinary abilities. Humans are nearly extinct. And the rodents are next. If the wolf King executes his vision, the canine race will reign supreme.
To navigate the havoc, Jake is awarded a spirit guide: the dragon. But the fairytale isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The creature provides nothing more than cryptic advice, proving as useful as a broken compass. What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save Jake from catastrophe. (I agree w/ the earlier commenter about cutting this paragraph.)
The survival of the persecuted rests on his shoulders. Yet, there is one secret no one could expect. The prophecy was not about Jake. And he’s the only one who knows it. (LOVE this twist!) HAVOC’S KNOT is a 94,000 word YA fantasy novel.
I will intro the prophecy idea sooner as to not cause any confusion. I would love to explain things more, but you have limited space- I can understand how that then becomes vague, however.
In regards to people’s thoughts about the last paragraph with his dragon spirit- that concept is integral to the story so I can’t remove it. But I am wondering why people feel it’s unimportant or perhaps how I can make it more prominent in the query.
Rachel, I think a lot of people are thinking you should remove the dragon paragraph because it comes last. And after a lot of really interesting detail. Maybe it’s the detail that should go. It’s also a little vague. If the dragon is important, tell us why.
Overnight, Jake changed from wallflower to warrior. Or so he would like everyone to believe.
Jake is a master introvert. If he isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. However, none of his thirteen years of imaginative prowess could prepare him for when he comes face-to-face with human-like-animals. (Talk about the prophecy here)
His days of shyness won’t help now that he’s expected to save the world, so Jake is awarded a spirit guide to help him navigate the havoc. But the cryptic dragon is proving as useful as a broken compass when it comes to (talk about what he has to do because the assimilation line was vague. Be specific about why this is so important to helping Jake avoid catastrophe)
The survival of the persecuted rests on his shoulders. Yet, there is one secret no one could expect. The prophecy was not about Jake. And he’s the only one who knows it
Better but I think there are a few things that could be cut.
“Now Jake lacks the freedom to remain invisible as he is destined to mend an impossible divide.” I don’t understant this sentence, now looking closer I’m guessing “invisible” has to do with his shyness. Didn’t get that before. Anyway, not sure it’s needed at all and can be cut.
“What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save Jake from catastrophe” This aslo seems a little pointless to me. I think you should cut it.
And,
“Humans are nearly extinct. And the rodents are next.” this part is a little abrupt for this query, since it’s not mentioned before this it’s a little jarring– and I don’t think you need it. just saying “If the wolf King executes his vision, the canine race will reign supreme.” gets the point across just fine.
After that, and maybe a little filling in for the gaps I left (not much, mostly transitions) and you are pretty darn close. (my opinion =)
Haha- glad you caught the same things I did. Figured I wouldn’t be anal and change the text again so I’m leaving this one even tho I made some little edits. I cut the first sentence as you suggested and I edited the second one to be more poignant. Just some small changes! Thanks again!
Ooo. I like the revision.
Caveat: I’m no query expert, but I’ll throw out my 2c. 😉
Consider substituting pronouns in a couple places. His name triggered my overuse radar.
I think the sentence “What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and females—are now part of his everyday routine.” has a grammatical error. If you take the dashed portion out, you have: “What once was furthest from his mind are now part of his everyday routine.” The ‘are’ should be an ‘is’ since ‘what’ is singular. (subject/verb agreement) ‘What once was furthest from his mind is now part of his everyday routine.’
Consider hitting return and set the last sentence off as a new line/para. It stumbled me because I thought it was part of the synopsis.
It sounds like an interesting story. Great job!!! 😀
Oh, great catches! Thanks for the input!
Okay, Melissa already commented on the grammatical error that pulled me out of the query, so I won’t mention that again (except, I guess I kind of just did, didn’t I?)
Overall, I think this sounds like an interesting premise, but your query is often more vague and passive than you probably want it to be for a story with so much inherent conflict and action. Try making your language more concise and urgent. To illustrate what I mean, I’ve played around with your first two paragraphs a bit. Hope it helps!
Overnight, Jake changed from wallflower to warrior. Or so he would like everyone to believe. (This seems a little passive for an opening hook. Maybe something like: Jake, the wallflower, has become the world’s greatest warrior. At least, he’s pretending to be.)
If Jake isn’t glued behind his sketchbook, he’s secluded to his room. Yet, when he comes face-to-face with human-like animals who believe he is foretold to save their world, none of his thirteen years of imaginary prowess could prepare him for the task ahead. (Maybe you could simultaneously simplify and intensify this section by deleting the first sentence and saying something like: Jake’s make-believe adventures haven’t prepared him for the real-life terror he faces when strange, human-like animals insist he is the one the prophecies say will save their world.)
Thanks, Veronica! I changed some of the diction to be more exciting and cleared up questions, so I appreciate your comments!
Hi, Rachel! Jo from Query Roundtable! Sorry I’m late but here I am 🙂
I have just a few nitpicks: last paragraph, first three sentences. They read very choppy and combining them into one might be a better bet. There’s just one problem. Should be: There’s just one problem:
And a question for you: Is there some reason the title of the book is in all caps? Shouldn’t it be italics? I’m new to all this so please verbally smack me if I’m wrong. 🙂
Your revisions are great. I did the same as we flowed along.
Glad I could pop in and annoy you one last time 🙂
The voice is great here, so my critique focuses on some logic issues. I think your premise is super-cool so I’d like to see your query crystallize. Others may have mentioned some of this, but it can be good to hear things from more than one source.
It’s probably just that I’m a biologist, but the “human-like animals” threw me. I pictured non-sentient primate space aliens that LOOK like humans. Then, at the very end, at the mention of canines, did I figure they are talking animals. And “females” – my first thought was, “which species?”
Other things – the first sentence in second para is passive. He isn’t gluing himself, he is glued by ??? Suggest make active.
“days of shyness won’t…” doesn’t really make sense. Try reading that sentence literally – nobody could expect days in their past to help save anything. You changed it to thirteen years of imaginary prowess, but the same issue remains.
Would friends and such really have been furthest from the mc’s mind? Even introverts get lonely – and, they are often teased so while he might not choose to fight, it likely would have been forced upon him. And assuming he is heterosexual, there aren’t many teen boys who don’t think about girls at all even if they don’t have the courage to do anything about it. It is not clear to me whether Jake likes the new routine or not. Parts of it? Does he really desire the freedom not to have friends again?
“Impossible divide” is vague. I only figured in the final para that it (probably) is inter-species war. “One factor” and “catastrophe” are also vague. I suggest you be explicit for the purposes of a query.
“What begins as assimilation to local tradition, transforms into the one factor that may save him from catastrophe.” I am guessing at the subject of this sentence as it is never explicitly stated. Something to do with the dragon leading the mc on some kind of spirit journey?
Great stakes!
Great points! Perhaps animal-like humans, then? Will take a look at the passive sentences a bit closer, good catch. I cleared up the vague terms in my newest revision, but happy it’s pointed out here. And yes, it’s like a native american spirit quest / totem animal type deal x)